In a stunning turn of events, Bungie has officially crowned Nerfus, benevolent overlord of balance, the new monarch of Destiny 2. Known for his signature "Why do damage when you can emote?" philosophy, King Nerfus has ushered in a golden age of downgrades, nerfs, and questionable patch notes. Patch 2.Void.Why - All weapons have had their damage reduced to encourage hugging instead. - Supers now recharge once per lunar cycle. - The Crucible has been renamed Passive-Aggressive Playground—score points by staring menacingly at your opponents. - The new seasonal exotic is a potato. It throws with mild disappointment and crits for emotional damage. --- State of the Game King Nerfus addressed his loyal Guardians in a heartfelt TWAB (This Week at Bungie): > "We hear you. Loudly. Repeatedly. Mostly via memes. So we decided to remove all fun to achieve perfect balance." He was later seen dismantling his own Gjallarhorn while giggling softly. --- Community Response - Warlocks responded by floating above the drama. - Hunters vanished mid-discussion. - Titans attempted to punch the servers. The servers won. Next season promises a new raid called Bureaucracy Eternal, where fireteams will navigate an endless office of red tape and missed deadlines. Boss fight? A printer jam. --- Player Interviews Joining us now for an interview is Zara-9, Hunter Main, Survivor of Six Straight Nerfs: > "Ever since Nerfus took the throne, I've been doing more dance emotes than damage. At this point, I think my Ghost's therapist deserves a seasonal ornament." Joining us next is BroboCop-7, Titan Main, and self-proclaimed "Wall Punching Enthusiast," speaking from his personal Stronghold of Sadness. - You've been vocal about the recent "Hug First, Punch Later" patch. How has it affected your day-to-day combat style? BroboCop-7: “Look, ever since Nerfus blessed us with the patch, I’ve spent more time crocheting strike plans than actually striking. Yesterday, I soloed a Nightfall using only passive-aggressive post-it notes. I left one on a Fallen Captain that said, ‘Maybe reconsider your life choices.’ He dropped his loot and walked off.” --- Interviewer: That’s… unorthodox. What happened in your latest encounter with the Vex? BroboCop-7: “I tried to Titan Smash a Vex. It dodged emotionally. Like, I didn't miss — it avoided confrontation. You know how humiliating it is to be outmaneuvered by an existential robot with commitment issues?” --- Interviewer: Let’s talk about Crucible. The community is buzzing about your creative combat techniques. BroboCop-7: “Mostly interpretive dance. One guy teabagged me and I responded with a slow-motion twirl. Got an achievement for Creative Disarmament. Probably a bug.” --- Interviewer: Finally, any message to your fellow Titans navigating these patch changes? BroboCop-7: “Titans, stay strong. Or at least flex while crying. And if you’re ever feeling down, remember: our fists still look cool mid-air, even if they never land.” --- Final Thoughts And that wraps up tonight’s bulletin from the Last City News Network. With King Nerfus firmly planted on the throne and Guardians everywhere learning to embrace mediocrity, one thing’s for sure: Destiny 2 will never be the same... mostly because nothing makes sense anymore. I’m your host, Ghostie McGlitchface, reminding you to double-check your loadouts, question your life choices, and always, always emote before you shoot. Good night, good luck, and may your next engram at least be purple at higher power level.